This post is sponsored by MRP retard /u/STLCubs97 (OP).
He writes in his Own Your Shit a whole bunch of shit I don’t care about, and 1 specific thing that I do care about. I care a lot about quality parenting because quality parenting is what’ll make the next generation better.
OYS #11
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Son: His counselor is working with him on accepting responsibility for his behavior and actions. On the recommendation of the counselor, we placed a whiteboard in his room with a checklist of 3 things to complete each day, the sum of completion having a reward at the end. Example: one task is to keep his room clean daily. As I’m sure you can imagine, this is quite a challenge for a 15yo boy. If he completes this task and then asks for his reward, in this case- hanging with friends, he is able to do so. He came up to me and asked to hang with friends. I went to check his room, and it was a shit show. I told him no friends. He said why, and I pointed at his room. He said he’s just clean it, and did. Then he asked to go, and I told him that’s not how it works. Temper tantrum ensued, and I calmly stayed firm and he relented.
[… shit that doesn’t matter …]
Executive Summary
The 15 year old boy doesn’t listen to OP and won’t do what he’s told. OP can’t figure out what’s wrong - as he says, doing 3 things a day “As I’m sure you can imagine, this is quite a challenge for a 15yo boy.”
The worst part of all this is that OP wants to claim some sort of victory — “Temper tantrum ensued, and I calmly stayed firm and he relented.”
Why this guy sucks
Let’s start with the basic question —
No Responsibility
His counselor is working with him on accepting responsibility for his behavior and actions.
What??? This is like saying teachers are responsible for teaching for making sure your kids are learning. It’s the lazy way out and it guarantees failure.
But let’s accept that for the moment, let’s accept that the Counselor is responsible for teaching the 15 year old how to succeed in life.
False Assumption of Authority
OP thinks he has authority, the reality is OP doesn’t. If you don’t have responsibility, you don’t get to dictate behavior. If OP isn’t responsible for teaching 15 y/o how to succeed in life, there is no world in which OP has the authority to dictate that 15 y/o must do X, Y, Z or any other dumb fucking list in the world.
On the recommendation of the counselor, we placed a whiteboard in his room with a checklist of 3 things to complete each day, the sum of completion having a reward at the end
Notice the word “we” here? It implies that both of them put the white board there. If that’s the case then either of them are at liberty to decide “nah. fuck this whiteboard. it sucks.” But even in that sentence, deference is made to the counselor, who has ultimate authority.
OP is a simple intermediary - middle management at best. I guarantee you there is no buy-in on the part of the 15 y/o — and that is going to create problems.
No Leadership
Moving on
He came up to me and asked to hang with friends. I went to check his room, and it was a shit show. I told him no friends. He said why, and I pointed at his room.
There’s miscommunication and lack of alignment. Different opinions on what is acceptable or not. This is OP’s failure.
My 6 year old knows how to clean her room. A clean room means toys are put back in their areas and there is a clear pathway around the room. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it has to be tidy and presentable.
Why did the 15 y/o fail? I can guarantee that OP didn’t put in any of the work to define what a clean room entails. A good leader leads by example. That starts by setting the example - going into the room and physically putting in the work to get the room to the state that it needs to be in. “Come here, we’re going to do this together.” And when you’re done and satisfied, now you both have an understanding of what done looks like, and what the expectation going forward is because it’ll have been talked during the process.
Sidenote: This is the exact same with any type of leadership, whether it’s professional (where you have to teach a team member how to do work or think about doing work) or personal (where you might have to teach your wife/gf exactly how you want your clothes folded). And if they can’t do it, you fire them for not meeting expectations.
Oh, and he’s a douchebag
He said he’s just clean[ed] it, and did. Then he asked to go, and I told him that’s not how it works. Temper tantrum ensued, and I calmly stayed firm and he relented.
15 y/o cleans the room, expects the agree upon reward, doesn’t get it because OP decides to have some bullshit power trip, and gets pissed off. It’s not even a partial renege (“you get 1 hour less”) - it’s a full on “j/k - you can’t go lol”. How does this instill confidence going forward? How do you expect your team to trust you if you don’t even put effort into making good on promises? 15 y/o doesn’t have other options, so of course OP is able to compel compliance, but what absolute shitty leadership. No one with any dignity/options would ever tolerate such crap from any authority figure.
What do you think will happen when the 15 year old realizes that OP can go and fuck himself, and acts accordingly?
This post is about Leadership
While OP and 15 y/o may be the subject, the leadership aspects have been covered ad nauseum all over the place. Here are 4 thoughts that will help you exhibit better leadership than what OP did.
Leadership is about taking ownership and responsibility for the success and well being of your team.
If you aren’t ready to take responsibility for both the successes and failures, you have no right to claim authority. You can try, and it may kind of work, but it’ll fail in the long term.
Set expectations, generate buy-in, demonstrate by example.
Expectations shouldn’t be arbitrary. Discipline shouldn’t be a surprise. When situations call for it, lead the way by showing how it should be done.
Follow through matters.
Not everything will be perfect. Things will go wrong. But as much as you can, do the things you say you’ll do — and deliver on the promises and expectations that were made. If you can’t, get that information and the barriers out sooner rather than later.
Build trust.
Trust your people to do the right thing — and if they don’t, fire ‘em. Most people want to live up to the expectations that are set. Most people aren’t well equipped to success on that without proper guidance.